i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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