so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
