I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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