This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
