I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
