At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
