he was CRYING into my vagina
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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