The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
