Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
