Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
