hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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