I'm going to jail i love you
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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