My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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