literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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