it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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