someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
