so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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