You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize