I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
