Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
