I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
