How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
