I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
