as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
