coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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