Moan for me like Helen Keller
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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