God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
