Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize