Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
