Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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