We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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