oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
