dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
