that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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