i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
