I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
