we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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