are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
me + whiskey = a bad person
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
