My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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