how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How's work?
Spinning.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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