This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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