I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
