why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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