If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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