Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
