just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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