so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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