The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
