I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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