Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
