Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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