No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
