we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
