i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
