The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
