he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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