remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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