He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
